Found out he’s MARRIED…we’ve been together for a year!

Dear Leanne,

I’ve been with a man I met through work for a year. It has never been easy though. We have had a lot of communication problems and there are times when I haven’t heard from him for months on end. And during those periods there’s not much I can do but wait for him to come back because we are often in different countries. But every time he comes back, he tells me how much he’s missed me and that he loves me. He pursued me for about a year before I decided to be with him. The reason it took me so long to give in was because I thought he just wanted to sleep with me. He initially told me he was divorced but when I asked about seeing divorce papers, he said he couldn’t find them. I chose to believe him. But a year later and something for me still wasn’t adding up. I asked him again and he told me he used to be married but it was over but I didn’t believe him so decided to investigate. I went on his Facebook profile and saw he had tagged a woman and a child who turned out to be his family. I screenshot the post and sent it to him but he didn’t reply for 12 days. I ignored his behaviour and tried to act normal but he seemed distant. Yesterday morning I sent him a text asking how he was but got no reply. I sent him another text in the evening telling him I wanted to have a word with him. I told him I wanted to end things and he asked if I was sure if that was what I wanted and that I should take a few days to think it over. I’m not sure if that is what I want, I love him. I told him I have no choice and that he should be with his family and be happy because I don’t want to wait around for him to make up his mind and that he needed to let me go. He didn’t respond. Later I text him again saying I will think it over. Now I don’t know what to do. I really love him and I know he loves me too which is why he can’t figure out whether to be with me or his family. So I’m confused. What do I do?

Confused.

Dear Confused,

There are a number of things that concern me about this guy.

Firstly, his disappearing reappearing act. Classic sign of a guy that is wasting your time. If a guy wants to be in your life and is given the chance he’ll definitely take it! Not sometimes be in it and then sometimes out. The reason he does all that sweet talk when he decides to reappear is because he knows it’s what you want to hear, not because he means it. Secondly, him not replying to your messages when he doesn’t feel like it is disrespectful. It shows that he only talks to you when he’s bored which means to him, you are just a way to pass time when he’s got nothing else to do. Think about it, it’s like when you want to go out but all your friends are busy so you call that person that you don’t really want to hang out with but you know they’ll be up for it so you do it anyway. That’s the way he’s treating you.

Also, he’s a liar! And he’s lied for a whole year which doesn’t even include the time he spent trying to pursue you. But what worries me more than the way this guy is acting, is the way you are responding to it. You knew from the beginning that something was up and decided to ignore it and get into a relationship with him anyway. Also, it’s seems like you are trying to make it work. You message him multiple times when he doesn’t respond and when he told you to think about what you wanted from him, you decided to actually do it! What did you need time to think about it! You’ve shown this guy that you really want to make it work and he knows that he can get away with anything. You say he loves you, but no one hurts people they love.This guy doesn’t love you or his wife for that matter. He loves himself. He isn’t just cheating on a girlfriend, he’s cheating on his wife! But he doesn’t care because he’s more concerned about doing what he wants than how it impacts anyone he involves. Not only is he selfish, he is also not trustworthy! Even if you did decide to be with him, and he did leave his wife for you (which by the way, is highly unlikely) it would only be a matter or time before he found somebody else that he wanted too, then you’d be in the situation his wife is in. Even if he had lied initially about not being married, if he genuinely loved you, he would’ve left her by now. He’s had over a year to do it! And on top of that, when you told him you wanted to end things, he told you to think it over…doesn’t that say enough! He didn’t try to convince you to stay or that he’d choose you, because he doesn’t care if you stay. At this point, the question isn’t what you should do. Because that’s very simple, leave him and find someone else that deserves your time and love. The question is why do you need time to think about what to do? Is it that you feel you won’t find anyone else because you aren’t good enough? Or that you think that there’s something real between you? Either way, both of those are not true. You are worth way more than this guy has to offer you and I know because you love him, it’s hard to see that now. But you need to allow yourself to fall out of love with him because he isn’t the one for you. It’ll hurt but eventually you’ll be over him and ready to move on to a guy that will truly love you.

The truth is, this guy let you go ages ago. It’s now time you let him go and find someone that will be more than satisfied with all you have to offer.

Best of luck,

Leanne.